I've thought about it for so very long... why my dad had to die so soon in my life. I was young, and so was he... only 54. I needed him, I still need him, and it's not fair that I missed so much or that he is missing so much now. I always wonder how different my adult life would be with my dad still here with me.
Life is truly what you make it. It's your thoughts, your dreams. Our minds are amazing and can manifest so much. And when you feel like you have nothing left, like your empty, you become a shell of a person and.... I think it's just that you cannot move on after a certain point. You literally get to a point where you do not have the will to live. Once you lose that, you lose it all. My dad was an amazing man, and he loved his family so very much.
I know my dad wanted to fight. I know he fought.. but he also waited too long and ran out of time. Our time on earth is limited..And I think at one point he did just give up because he didn't feel worthy. He really forgot who he was. The people he needed, waited to0 long to show that they cared about him; and he just slowly but quickly died.
He loved my mom more than anything in this entire world, and I know this because he told me. He told me that she was the best thing to ever happen to him and that he never wanted things to end the way they did. He could have been lying, but I think he meant it. I think he gave up and didn't know how to love himself when no one else would. You could see it in his eyes when he spoke about it.. the hurt and the love. He was heartbroken and felt regret to some point.
He told me he didn't like to look at me because I looked t0o much like her. But he also told me he loved that at the same time. He loved to laugh and make others laugh... even if it wasn't always funny. I miss his laughter so much and obnoxious jokes that only a dad can tell.
He told me to make something of myself. I swear I tried my best, but life got in the way and things really became a huge mess. He told me I was smart and could do anything, but most importantly what he wanted was for me to find someone who loved me. Life is what you make it for sure and if you make it nothing... then that's what you become.
It really breaks my heart every time i think about their love. How twisted, dramatic, romantic, chaotic, and even traumatic. It's really hard to grasp when you don't know their full past, but I think they were too young and when they jumped they clung to love.
It just wasn't enough.
Life is what you make it; so make yours count.